So I have been living my dreams and keeping my vision alive of becoming known as an author for children's stories. I am feeling so good these days even though I am still yet to sell more than one book. I know it is a process and it will take some time but I am moving forward even if it is only one baby step at a time. Since I have carried this dream for 25 years as I have untiringly plugged away at story after story and idea upon idea(whether still in the making or not), I am not about to give up. I had my first piece published when I was only a child and the fire has never died. My passion for writing has kept me sane through all the bad times when I have been tempted to give up and stop caring. It has been my anchor to keep me rooted in humanity when the world threatened to change me for the worse.

I was thinking about what seems to be popular these days. As I sit at home and keep the t.v. turned on while I work I listen to the shows, commercials, and themes that play out on the air. During the morning and up until about 4pm I am barraged by a series of education advertisements calling for people at home to rethink their life goals, and to give education in various fields a shot to change their lives for the better.

In the evening there are commercials involving families. Get a better car or truck, get a better home,or insurance to protect your family's future. Why does everything marketed seem to imply that the life one lives now is not complete unless you can get something more? How are we to be content if we are brainwashed into thinking we always need something else?

In the late night all the commercials are about love, dating and intimacy(and just plain lust). Therefore all the single souls out there get to feel worthless or incomplete because they don't have someone special in their lives. I'm sorry but I am single and have been for almost 2 years now. I am rather enjoying it and don't appreciate the masses trying to make me feel like I have to have a counterpart or I am less of a woman. It is insulting.

I have a good life. I am in the process of running my own business. I have a loving family. 2 gorgeous,smart, well behaved children, and a home in a town I feel safe in. I have an education, am intelligent, well mannered, and pretty cute. Why do I need to be searching for more? Why can't I just enjoy what I have? Don't you feel the same? I mean there is nothing wrong with trying to better your life. I am not trying to debate that. I just don't think we should get so lost up in the pursuit that we lose what good we do have and take for granted the things we shouldn't.
It is way too easy to do. Here's to love, happiness and the pursuit of joy within your own soul!

Today I would like to discuss the effects of low self esteem. I, in the past have suffered from a severe case of it which it has been a long struggle to come back from. Low self esteem affects every part of your life. It compounds after each incident until it is all consuming. Unless treated it could lead to chronic depression, and in some cases even death. It is hard to raise your self esteem but you have to start with a positive attitude and self actualizing affirmations.

Here is something I found on a site I thought would help.
Self-esteem, simply put, is the high regard and good feeling that I have about myself. It is my "feel good" about being me. It is extremely important for children to develop self-esteem in order to prepare themselves for their adult life. Individuals with healthy self-esteem will not fail in life because the only way a human being can fail is to self reject.

Healthy self-esteem is probably the single most important thing that we teach children. Self-esteem is not always healthy. We can hold ourselves in high regard and feel good about ourselves for the unhealthy reasons. It is not unusual for the school bully to feel good about himself for being able to beat up everyone else in the class. Sometimes children and adults feel good about themselves for getting even in a mean and vindictive way.

Additionally some people base their feelings of high regard on their successes and achievements. This attachment of worth to performance is actually a set up for a loss of self-esteem. No human being is able to perform at a level where they never have a drop off in performance. If you have attached your worth to your success then you will loose your self-esteem when you experience a drop in performance.

And yet most people believe that successful achievement is the basis of self-esteem. Self-esteem should not be based on what we do, but rather, who we think we are. After all I am not what I do, I am the precious human being that does it. If I make a mistake I am not the mistake, but rather the awesome learning machine that is capable of correcting mistakes. Self-esteem is ultimately an intrapersonal event that is fed and nourished and influenced and affected by external events.

Self-esteem is all about my relationship with my self and is the foundation of all relationships. If I hold myself in high regard and feel good about myself and others care about me, then I know they are people of good judgment. If I hold myself in low regard and I don't feel good about me and others care about me I know they must be stupid or maybe they are just using me. Or maybe they are forced to care about me due to external circumstances. Low self-esteem is often the root cause of interpersonal, social, and family problems.

In order to develop healthy self-esteem one must learn to accept the responsibility for developing it within one's self. I must learn to accept that I am 100% responsible for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Nobody can make me think anything I do not choose to think, feel anything I do not choose to feel, or do anything I don't choose to do.To achieve healthy self-esteem I must accept that I cannot control anything outside of myself. And I am in total control of the things inside of myself.

I must learn to face and accept unwanted reality with the awareness that that unwanted reality does not have to make me feel bad unless I choose to let it. The single most important thing to learn in order to achieve high self-esteem is to willing accept what IS. I cannot change what is. But I can change how I cope with it. The ultimate experience of self-esteem is too experience my self the same way my parents experienced me at my birth. They loved me unconditionally and knew I was a precious miracle, even though I certainly had never accomplished a thing. They loved me unconditionally as the miraculous embodiment of the gift of life. When I can experience myself that same way, then I have truly experienced healthy self-esteem.

I've been thinking about the ways we measure our lives worth. In todays society the emphasis on gaining riches and having everything that is promoted as "must haves to be a somebody" are constantly in our faces until we are brainwashed to believe that it must be true. Since we can't take anything with us when we pass away why does it matter so much?

Like a child at Christmas the thing we want so bad soon grows old in the pursuit of something else that may make us more fulfilled. The constant struggle to find what we so desperately feel will be the answer becomes all consumming. We lose sight of what is really important and lasting in this life. Look at all the chaos in the world. The third world countries that long for an extra piece of bread. The people who lose their life and belongings to natural disasters. I would be severely ticked off too if I had spent my life working to gain as much as I could only to have it washed away with the fury of mother nature.

But sometimes it seems to be the only thing that makes us remember the truly important things in life. Our families,friends and loved ones. I know I have recently discussed this topic before but I am deeply bothered by the shallowness of humanity in todays day and age. I hate turning on the t.v to see another disaster, or another missing child, another murder or suicide. What has happened to us?

Why can no one seem to stay married, with the divorce rate increasing every day? I rememeber years back when you were embarassed to say your parents weren't together. Now it seems unbelievable when you hear someones' parents are together still after more than five years. Is modern technology to blame? Is it because everything is so much easier to attain that we have learned to take everything for granted? We lose so much in the process. I long to go back to the caveman days where the man went out and found food for the family.

The woman cooked and cleaned and made clothes. Sure there wasn't much to that way of life but it was all about survival and maintaining unity for ones own. It was not filled with unsatisfied wants, or unrealistic goals. It was simple and complete. I am not debating that there haven't been many benefits that have helped in modern day society with everything new we have accomplished in our growth as mankind;it's just that sometimes you have to wonder if we truly are so much more better off in the psychological aspect of it. Well I will leave you with that thought to dwell on. Here's to hoping man will learn the errors of his way and seek to rectify them before the damage is irrepairable.

You know the need to make money is so strong these days that it brings out the blood suckers everywhere. I was desperate to start my online home based business. I checked into everything I saw posted that boasted a good income and fast profitable results. I paid out $10 here and $15 there and received page after page of useless information.

I felt betrayed and more frustrated then when I started. Was there really no way to start off and get going without having to invest huge amounts of money on products or services that do absolutely nothing except cause headaches? Thus my search began. Now I haved embarked on something that cost me nothing but which I have devoted all my time to setting up successfully.

I no longer pay any attention to the scams out there and hope that one day soon they will no longer be on the market to rob us of our pocket books and dignity. I am sure in the long run hard work will pay off and I can feel proud of the venture I have embarked on. I wonder if you have been recently scammed by someone out there posing to be an honest straight forward business man/woman. How much of a percentage of our population falls prey? But as always, I am a true believer in good always coming out on top. Even if in the interim it looks like evil may be winning. Here's to good fortune and a long life!
http://homeparents.about.com/od/avoidscams/ check into this site for more information on scams that are out there. Especially if you are thinking of starting a new business.

Mysterious Ways of Life

I am sitting here contemplating life. Recently, I have had alot going on. I mean who doesn't, that is part of life. But it has come to my attention that even if you do everything according to plan there always seems to be an external force that seems to have a mind of it's own. Why must a monkey wrench be thrown in the mix every time things seem to be going ok? It is a test of internal strength I know. But I am getting tired. I feel as if I am on a rollercoaster that doesn't have breaks. I have already lost my balance but still have to hold on for fear of losing my seat. My head is spinning. All the metaphors in the world don't help. And isn't that the way it always seems to be?

You reach out for advice or emotional support and everyone gives you corny lines that mean absolutely nothing to you in your state of mind. Like "when God closes a door He opens a window." Yeah so what? My fat behind won't fit out a window! A little ill stated humour there to let you know how my mind has been working. It is hard to practice keeping the faith when you have done all you can do and seem to run into brick walls constantly. Patience is a lesson I have been doomed to repeat over and over with the same result it seems like. I have none!!!!

I am a control freak. I need to know I control my destiny and the outcome of my life and it seems I am always being shown a lesson that I can't have that control. I should just learn to roll with the punches but instead I look for ways to avoid them and when I can't I freak out.

I also tend to exaggerate every instance so what may be only a minor distubance ends up throwing me over the eddge. I feel so close to losing my mind on occaision I get scared. I must admit though. When you can finally get outside of your own misery and attempt to reach out to a loved one who needs you more there is a refreshing feeling of exuberance that can wash over you.

I have spent the last two days with my best friend who is dealing with her own issues that far outweigh my own little petty annoyances. It has put my life back into perspective. I can't be of much help to her except to hold her and tell her we will work through things together. But in a time of need, that may be all that matters. Knowing that you are not alone.

It has always been a quest to find out the meaning of life. But in the lifelong journey for it, are we tending to overlook the obvious and due to our warped sense of perspective are we totally missing the message and meaning? If in searching and pursuing the attempt to gain as much wealth, power and acknowledgement we can to make ourselves feel we are somebodies, we miss the most essential lesson which is Love, sharing, something the world needs more of: we have failed.

Do you often wonder why life was so simple back in the days? It wasn't just the lack of technology. People had different ideals, different goals. They remembered what was truly important in their lives. They didn't get lost up in fruitless gains for personal glory. They spent time with their loved ones. If things got tough, the whole family put in what they could to get through as a family. No tit for tat attitudes, no selfish indulgences at the cost of another. Unity.

Something we have all lost sight of over the decades. The three muskeeters had the right philosophy. "One for all and all for one!" . Even if you find you don't gain something monetary the emotional and psychological benefits far outweigh. We become better humans for it. And that, essentially is what the quest for the meaning of life is all about.

Well, thanks friends for once again indulging me in a litany of the wandering mind. Let your soul be cleansed with the encompassing of anothers essence,, and may you find peace in the comfort of a friend.

I have so many little bits and pieces of assorted writings I hardly feel like I should be starting another one especially since I don’t even have a concrete thought to work with. I guess I just wanted to try this free- for- all- letting -your -mind -go kind of concept. I get so lost up on words, typos, grammar and stupidity that I don’t let any positive ideas be conceived.

Which makes me start wondering where this line of thinking has started from in the beginning. Was I always this way? Can I remember back to a time where I knew myself in a complete and utter way? Or did I ever? Did I just think I did because I had more confidence and self-respect? Has my inability to forgive or trust myself warped all sense of stability or strength I have to overcome and move on? How do I change over 20 years of behaviors and learn to rethink? I don’t even want to think or talk about myself.

Although it really would be nice to know why I can put my feelings down on paper so much better than expressing it verbally out loud to someone in an intimate setting. Why are emotions so hard for me to express? I know I can try to define it to the point of the relationship I have with my father. But one day that is not going to fly. Actually it never did fly. But me being the queen of excuses could hardly admit that now could I? I was reminded today of how I am selling myself short every day. I am constantly thinking about my past or the dreams I have for the future that only seem to be unachievable.

But I am looking at it all-wrong. I received my final exam mark today. It was not an open book exam and we had to get 90% to pass. We had no tests during the week either. So I was nervous and thought I couldn’t do it. Well my final mark was 98% and I got the highest mark in the class. Sure only 16 people in the class. But only 6 of us made it to the floor. So instead of thinking like that, where there is always a rebuttal or negative comment I should be thinking of what an achievement that was in and of itself.

I met a man the other day. His name is Jody. He made me remember what it was like to be in love with writing. It used to be a passion of mine. But I found myself getting so wrapped up in the negativity of the situations in my life that I never could focus and change my perspective. In and of that I found that I no longer had the words to express what I felt. In some instances I shut off feelings altogether as a protective measure. Now when I so want to reach out and meet on an even plane with someone who I feel is a kindred spirit I find I can’t. My walls are so thick. My feelings so buried.

Jody was explaining something to me that was intriguing about the way Quakers have a wedding ceremony. In the short little time of reaching out to me to explain on an intimate level I found myself coiling up inside myself when he touched me. I so wanted to be touched and reached on that level but the intense fear I had welled up inside me. Unexplainable and not entirely understandable. I can understand not having the words to express some feelings. But just the thought of intimacy? Someone is being allowed to get into my head? So they find I am a little bit of a nut job? Can they handle it? Shouldn’t I be giving them that choice? Can I dare with Jody if the chance arises or am I going to immediately set out to sabotage my open presumed happiness because of what I think will happen based on patterns of the past?

Instead of openly making the daily conclusive decision to make sure history has a chance to be re-written. I am the maker of my own destiny ultimately. If I close myself off I don’t allow myself to grow and learn and get better each and every day. That is what life is about. I pride myself on the constant pursuit of knowledge in my interest fields. But what good does it do me if I can’t apply what I have learned to the benefit of my own experience and my personal growth?

In a way does it not make me a hypocrite if I preach this wisdom to others but don’t make it a daily practice and positive influence for others to believe in? It is just empty words. Time and time again I have known this. If I can think something why can I not have it come out of my mouth. Why should I care how someone else may interpret it? Everyone responds differently based on his or her own past experiences and filters. All you can know and control for sure is your own thoughts and reactions.

You can not be responsible for how someone else may react or interpret something said. I am learning to be true to myself and to put myself first. Regardless of what the reaction will be. I am not a bitch or the type of person who hurts people so I tend to not voice my feelings, based on the fact I may have interpreted it a little too harshly, or exaggerated the situation.We all have a right to our own feelings. If I allow someone to make me feel bad for what I am feeling I am giving up my power of self over to him or her. Why? So they don’t get insulted?

If I am not phrasing something properly, then maybe I can discuss a proper way to say it, but I need to at least voice an attempt. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes over again. There are only so many people out there that you can bond with on that one level everyone is looking for in "to be in love". If I think I have found a link to someone’s soul then I am doing us both an injustice by not being my true self and allowing myself to be expressed so a deeper understanding of life, love and the joining of two souls can blend on a level of oneness. .

I am worthy of love both of myself and of another. I am also capable of giving it and feeling it if I allow myself the freedom to feel and not hinder it by useless thought patterns of negativity. Is this so out of my league? No. I don’t think so. I have always prided myself on being a person who could accomplish anything I set my mind on. But that little fear of failure creeps up on me and always seems to have a hand in my every endeavor. Thus setting myself up for a fall so I can say "see I told you so…." and then the perpetual circle of unfulfilled dreams and unhappiness.

Why do I allow myself to indulge in this type of behavior knowing full well the pain that ensues? Why do I spend time writing this drivel when I could be spending my time writing about something more productive or entertaining such as an event I come across and the interactions of the people involved. I allow myself too much time and thought on my own insecurities and repetitiveness of rebuttals for a better life. I am missing out on enjoying life. Life is an experience comprised of situations and scenarios with various individuals and their out-takes on life. I have felt like a piece of me has been lost. I have not completed one novel I have started. I have so many pieces of literature in various states of composition and like my mind, has not a solid conclusion. I am so trying to get a grasp on things and control everything I can to eliminate the defeat and loss I expect, that I am missing out on living.

I may be repeating myself but I am trying to emphasize my urgency to resolve this conflict and move on. I am afraid I may have to repeat the lessons I have learned once again because I can not learn to accept. Do I really love misery and drama so much? Must I always worry about why I think the thoughts I do? Must I over analyze everything I do only to come up with the same original idea? Seem a little pointless? Just an idea of how my brain works and runs away on its own little stupid path down the road to instability.

I also have changed my subject of discussion a few times now, that I no longer know what my point is to this topic. I was starting to talk about Jody and how in the few short hours I have spent with him he has helped me to find my inspiration to get my creative juices flowing again in whatever capacity they come out. His enthusiasm for writing and his eagerness to do so have made me realize how self-absorbed I have been.

How I have been disrespecting myself every day that I don’t aim to be the best I can be. I only hope that as we become better acquainted he can revive a few other passions I have become unfamiliar with. I want to remember what it feels like to be alive again and to have a purpose. I want to share with someone who can truly understand or has the ability to see life through my eyes. No worrying about being judged or decreed. Just accepted in all facets of my personality. But back to the basics then, in order to achieve that I have to be true to myself.

Well this is all the thoughts I have for today. I am going to try to post this on my new blog site I created. I have no idea if this would be of interest to anyone but I am hoping there are like-minded people out there who can relate in some shape or form. I would love to set up a discussion session and hear from others on their out take of life, love and the inner workings of the mind portrayed in the general meandering of the conscious and subconscious actions of every day life.

Your friend Melanie

The Journey for a job.

It has been awhile since I have found the time to enter anything on this site. I have been wallowing in self pity more than anything else. But when I haven't been doing that, I have been job hunting. Now the thing about job hunting is that it requires alot of leg work and money that one doesn't really have due to the fact that they are unemployed and have to budget harder now more than ever.

One thing I can say is that I now finally agree with an old friend that you really should save $50 a pay or more if possible because you never know when you will need it and be so very glad you did it. I unfortunately did not. Now, I have the joy of calling all the companies I owe money to and ask if they could possibly lend me an extension, and possibly see if they will accept a mere $20 instead of the usual amount.

I thought quitting my job was a wise thing to do considering the cons outweighed the pros. What I didn't factor in though was that jobs are not as easy to get as they used to be. It seems now there is a 2 to 3 interview process to go through. By the time you get the job you forget why you really wanted it. Sometimes I entertain the thought of just applying for a lesser position so I can be employed.

I could be hired by Dairy Queen or Mr. Sub tomorrow but that would be an unchallenging job and a pay cut of $2.50hr. But I would have a paycheck in 2 weeks. This way it will be a month or more and by then all my bills will be past due and I will be having disconnect letters in my mailbox. I have been here before and it took me 3 years to get back to where I could feel proud of myself again. I wonder now if quitting a job before I had a replacement was worth the mental anguish I impose on myself. Or do I once again just need to change my perspective and start meditating or something.

This is an opportunity to go after a job I really would like to have. A chance for a career and not just a paycheck. I need to keep that in mind. I could go get that Dairy Queen job, have a paycheck, not have the stress of unpaid bills, but in a month or 2 be miserable as anything because I hate my job. Also my pay would be just enough to cover my bills leaving no spending money for anything else.

So, hence the conundrum I find myself in. I think I may just try to explain my case to my landlord and pay what I can to the bill companies,enough to have them keep the disconnect at bay, and then when I do get the job I really want and get that nice big pay, pay everything off and all will be well. But am i being realistic, or an optimist right now?The government will be kind enough to help me through unemployment insurance although that may take some weeks as well to get. The saying always goes "better late than never." So I will be hoping that theory applies to bill paying as well. 3 months I think is the given time before they cut you off but I may be wrong.

One more thing to research in my time off I suppose(unless my internet gets cut off. lol)I would so like to get a home business going but that requires a startup cost as well. Which brings me to another subject.

Do you know that there are pages of credit card companies out there that will give credit cards to americans who have bad credit but not one canadian company that will? Everytime I thought I had found a link for one it re-directed me to an american application. The only ones available in Canada appear to be secured cards which means you have to give them $500-$1000 upfront to get the card.

If I had that money chances are I wouldn't have a credit problem. But it is something to keep in mind when I can find an extra $500 to spare in my budget. Well folks, it's been swell once again. Until next time may all your fantasies be lavish and your reality be secure.

Labour Day Contemplations

I have been tossing this around in my mind for the last few days. I had the pleasure of filling out an unemployment application today for the first time in my life. What fun I must say. Anyone else who has had the joy of doing one knows exactly what I mean. I quit my job due to not having reliable, affordable transportation, and the pay cut I took made it worse. I thought the lack of stress in a more laid back environment would help me but I found I was in a company that was on the opposite side of the spectrum from what I had just left. I don't know about you, but it sure would be nice if I could work in the field I spent 2 years in studying for.

I recall working in a auto parts factory some years back. I was on the line with other coworkers having this discussion. There were engineers, nurse aids, book keepers, and other personnel there all trained for something they were not doing but having to work there due to a shortage of jobs in their field, the city economy, and their bills needing to be paid. I was in the same boat. A $10k loan that was being recalled(with 18% interest I might add), rent, bills, car payments, and feeding a family of 2 adults and 2 growing children. What choices do you have?

I moved from that city to a smaller one and started a new line of work that was closer to what I was trained for. I enjoyed it for the most part. The pay was good enough, the people fairly decent to work with. But the company made promises that they didn't live up to and the wear and tear of trying after 2 years got to me. I left for a lesser paying job with once again the prospects of new promotions and a better lot in life.

Yet, once again the daily inconsistencies and lack of organization lead me to a dead end. So, after almost 3 years of not having to look for work or worry about how rent will be paid, I find myself on the waiting list to hear back from my friendly government department. I am sitting here asking myself if I have done enough. If there was no other alternative to my position to end me here right now. If I was doing my part and not looking for an excuse as so much of my life seems to have been over my 34 years. But I think I am secure in my final opinion. I want more and feel I am entitled to it. I have worked for it consistently for the last few years.

To find myself in this predicament is a little un-nerving, but I have been in worse spots in my life so am pretty confident I will pull through once again. It sure would be nice though to not have to live pay check to pay check. So, I ask you, would you have stayed in a job that paid less than $2 hr than you were used to? Then to find the transportation costs were almost triple to what you had budgeted for? The company was too new and unorganzied to work with in any form of competency. The people were the underdogs of all the other call centres, the ones who didn't rise to anywhere and didn't even care to. The feel of the place was not one I cared to absorb. It would have been detrimental to my well being. And so i resigned.

But now the hunt begins. The selling yourself up the wahoo to get a position you don't even know if you want. The hope that one day maybe your skills and talents will be recognized even if you don't play the game of kiss ass. You pound the pavement with visions of one day being your own boss and never having to do this again. Time, and bill collectors against you. Pull up your socks, straighten your shoulders, and take a deep breath. This is only another chapter in your life. The next one has yet to be written. Change of perspective needed? Most likely. Well, that's all for today fellow philosophers. Hope and faith are my new companions in this relentless pursuit of a better existence. Until next time, may all your dreams be fruitful, and all your actions progressive.

Your friend, Melanie